Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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