dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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