You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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