i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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