I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Sacagawea was the original milf.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
she told me i tasted like america
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
