either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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