Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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