i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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