my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
