Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
