Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
