ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
