i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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