im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
