I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
