Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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