Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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