This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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