My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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