I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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