gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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