Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
