i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
