oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
