finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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