no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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