my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
