and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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