Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Do you remember whose house we're in?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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