I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
