guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize