My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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