She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
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I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
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I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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