We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Still dying that you shit outside
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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