She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
