I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
