sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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