I'd wear matching sweaters with you
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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