Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
