Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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