Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
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I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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