he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
