So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
