Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
