3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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