Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
