News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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