see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
