I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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