party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
