My nipple is on Facebook.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
