yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring