So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
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I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up