my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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