Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
