She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
