I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
